We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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