He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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