I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
