the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
