Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
