Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize