Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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