I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize