I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
