I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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