I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize