so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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