I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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