whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
