Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
