I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
