Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
