yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
