My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
