my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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