Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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