I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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