Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
