I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
