Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I think i got beer on your cat.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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