I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
