Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
A+ Viking dick
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
