u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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