Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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