you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
