How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
