between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
They have beer where we have blood.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
