Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
