Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize