I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
