I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Holy sore nipples Batman
did i just pee glitter
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