i already hear my dad disowning me
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
