just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
