I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
