Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
