I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she told me i tasted like america
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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