am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Pants are for mortals
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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