My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
