worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
