I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
