the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Your cock deserves a montage
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
