The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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