I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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