spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
