I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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