I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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