are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
