I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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