Soap is not a condiment
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
