yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
