the condom got lost in my hair
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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