And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
