If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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