when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
