Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
